The Luckiest Man Alive Is Also Bisexual (a short story)
"Being what is called bisexual is something I have been happy with since I was in my pre-teens. In addition to its being normal, seeing as I was a New Wave kid from the early-80's, it's cool, too.
"But because of AIDS, cool went underground. Real cool went off-the-radar. Real cool is totally dormant now.
"Then on top of that there is the thing about my luck.
"Because I am a person who happens to be the beneficiary of OUTRAGEOUS good luck, I have people who whoop and holler for obstacles come my way, and cheer for hardship to befall me...so as to watch how I overcome obstacle and hardship! This is like being an escape artist, and the ingenious, methodical, devious trap I have to extricate myself from is the very machinations of life itself!
"Bear in mind, the illusion is that it IS possible for me to fail, to get pinned down by one of life's extraordinary pitfalls, or to completely fall out of fortune's special favor. That's the illusion, and thus, the "cheering" squad.
"Myself, I am a natural performer and a crowd-pleaser - as well as a bit of a ham - who loves to make a spectacle himself. After all, what's a show without a spectacle? So in the interest of staging a great show of life and living, I consistently give myself up "to the moment" and to the idea that I just possibly may actually fail. To do this, I appear to put myself in real harm's way.
"Not like stepping out in front of a moving truck or something equally mundane. Rather, I have pit myself against popular adversaries - radical muslim separatists, christian fundamentalists, misanthropic politicians, dogmatic scientists, superstitions, and even the preposterous - in order to make a point.
"And the point is that Everything Always Works Out. I see this as true for everyone, but where is the fun/re-sell value in that? (Kidding. Kind of.)
"And, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but if you really want to piss it off try to teach it to read.
"Subsequently, I have downplayed my bisexuality for most all this time...about twenty years...strictly in the interest of downplaying the nature of my good luck, which, as I have seen, is smugly irritating to some! But as it so happens, the time for tact and subtlety has passed. And at this lovely juncture of history and herstory, what is now called for is a far more upfront approach in order to stir things up and to get the universe's "juices flowing."
"At this time, as The Luckiest Man Alive, I am embarking upon a particularly grand adventure, so now is an especially good time to be breaking old routines and to making new acquaintances.
"I am here in personal internal consensus. Argument can be found elsewhere. If you happen to be a doubter you wants to believe I'm a senseless ordinary fool, then right you are. Who am I to argue with a fan?
"HOWEVER, if are a merry sort of thinker who sees that I actually may be the luckiest man in the world, then WRITE you are!
"Because if you DO write you are, you may think of this ad as being a lottery you have already won, with 1st Prize being "a famed winning race horse." And all one has to do to claim 1st Prize is send an email that states unequivocally, "I am the winner.""
The famed winning race horse will take it from there.
"But because of AIDS, cool went underground. Real cool went off-the-radar. Real cool is totally dormant now.
"Then on top of that there is the thing about my luck.
"Because I am a person who happens to be the beneficiary of OUTRAGEOUS good luck, I have people who whoop and holler for obstacles come my way, and cheer for hardship to befall me...so as to watch how I overcome obstacle and hardship! This is like being an escape artist, and the ingenious, methodical, devious trap I have to extricate myself from is the very machinations of life itself!
"Bear in mind, the illusion is that it IS possible for me to fail, to get pinned down by one of life's extraordinary pitfalls, or to completely fall out of fortune's special favor. That's the illusion, and thus, the "cheering" squad.
"Myself, I am a natural performer and a crowd-pleaser - as well as a bit of a ham - who loves to make a spectacle himself. After all, what's a show without a spectacle? So in the interest of staging a great show of life and living, I consistently give myself up "to the moment" and to the idea that I just possibly may actually fail. To do this, I appear to put myself in real harm's way.
"Not like stepping out in front of a moving truck or something equally mundane. Rather, I have pit myself against popular adversaries - radical muslim separatists, christian fundamentalists, misanthropic politicians, dogmatic scientists, superstitions, and even the preposterous - in order to make a point.
"And the point is that Everything Always Works Out. I see this as true for everyone, but where is the fun/re-sell value in that? (Kidding. Kind of.)
"And, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but if you really want to piss it off try to teach it to read.
"Subsequently, I have downplayed my bisexuality for most all this time...about twenty years...strictly in the interest of downplaying the nature of my good luck, which, as I have seen, is smugly irritating to some! But as it so happens, the time for tact and subtlety has passed. And at this lovely juncture of history and herstory, what is now called for is a far more upfront approach in order to stir things up and to get the universe's "juices flowing."
"At this time, as The Luckiest Man Alive, I am embarking upon a particularly grand adventure, so now is an especially good time to be breaking old routines and to making new acquaintances.
"I am here in personal internal consensus. Argument can be found elsewhere. If you happen to be a doubter you wants to believe I'm a senseless ordinary fool, then right you are. Who am I to argue with a fan?
"HOWEVER, if are a merry sort of thinker who sees that I actually may be the luckiest man in the world, then WRITE you are!
"Because if you DO write you are, you may think of this ad as being a lottery you have already won, with 1st Prize being "a famed winning race horse." And all one has to do to claim 1st Prize is send an email that states unequivocally, "I am the winner.""
The famed winning race horse will take it from there.
posted by Mike Mongo at 6:17 PM
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