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22 August 2006

102 Reasons To Love George Bush

There is an idea that hate is love.

Well, when the list "102 Reasons To Hate George Bush" came up on Reddit, one of us here at H2RS decided to flip the script. So here in it's entirety is the very valuable list, 102 Reasons to Love George Bush. And believe it or not, there is very little irony, and almost no sarcasm. Enjoy!

001. He's "high-functioning."
002. He is funny.
003. Those ears!
004. Bubba Gump.
005. First "special needs" US president.
006. Thoughtfully trims his nose hair. (Nixon didn't!)
007. Trim nose hair contributes to his "debonair simian" appeal.
008. Debonair simians need love, too!
009. Inspires conversation.
010. Ability to read.
011. Ability to speak.
012. Funny faces.
013. Refuses to rely on "making fart noises" to get the laughs
014. Rarely picks nose in public.
015. His high-profile is opening doors for other bright simians.
016. Stays out of trees.
017. Usually walks himself without holding hand of a caretaker.
018. Dry shorts!
019. Good skin.
020. Eats shoots and leaves.
021. Easy to draw.
022. Likes peanuts.
023. Wears hats.
024. George is a traditional name for world-leaders and monkeys.
025. I, for one, welcome our new simian overlords.
026. Makes people forget dolphins.
028. Puts the "pet" in petroleum.
029. His attractive co-mate, Tony Blair.
030. Plays well with others.
027. All your bases are belong to us.
028. Boldly displays ancestral ear-hair.
029. Obviously ancestral ear-hair.
030. No hidden interest in ear-hair cosmetic products or services.
031. Opened door for ear-hair cosmetic products and services.
032. Only mammals have ear-hair; reptilian overlords kicked to the curb.
033. That bonobo swagger!
034. Linguistic.
035. Yet grammatically fearless.
036. Never has to "play dumb."
037. Common shoe size, probably around a 9.
038. Has all fingers and toes.
039. Believe it or not, stopped thinking "Snakes On A Plane" was cool after Ronny Yu backed out.
040. Credited with having stopped thinking "Snakes On A Plane" was cool after Ronny Yu backed out.
041. Likes both Old Country and New Country.
042. Used "big boy" drugs, and wound up being president anyway.
043. Still retains tree-climbing physiology.
044. Has friends who do stupid things like drink beer and then shoot their friends with shotguns.
045. Dick Cheney he ain't.
046. Having something that looks as frightening-looking as Dick Cheney kiss up to you has got to be humorous.
047. He could be Dick Cheney.
048. Hitler never did "silly" well.
049. Doesn't eat children (unless it's what's being served).
050. Every day he's in office is one step closer to the pendulum swinging in the other direction. Which is going to be really really good.
051. All those YouTube, Google Videos, and flash movies.
052. No complaints about overly-repugnant body odors.
053. Makes the upcoming pogrom of the world's "overlywealthy" seem not only favorable but pleasing to their kind.
054. Gasoline experiencing biggest publicity boost since the Great Oil Crisis of the 1970's.
055. Makes petroleum James Bond-sexy.
056. Who knew anyone could out-Reagan Reagan?
057. Sexy (compared to his dad).
058. Makes voting if not relevant at least interesting.
059. Extended family.
060. Florida.
061. Really brings home the absurdity of religion.
062. And as far as Islam goes, there is no such thing as bad publicity.
063. Popularized turban, veil, and robes again in popular culture.
064. Obviously looks great in a turban and robe.
065. A asset at any party.
066. Not afraid to speak his mind, regardless of the obvious problem.
067. After politics, big future in homo sapien impersonations.
068. Puts the "I" in Illuminati.
069. Makes bumbling seem conspiratorial.
070. Makes ordinary conspiracy seem, well, ordinary.
071. The way he blinks alot.
072. I mean, a really, really lot.
073. Robots fear him.
074. Practicing hypnotist.
075. Gets away with being smart without being intelligent.
076. Makes good use of his free travel perk.
077. Will only get more entertaining with age.
078. I mean, really really entertaining.
079. Honestly believes this "God talks to me" thing.
080. Disqualified as being evil by way of obvious lack of autonomous intelligence.
081. Too busy doing really interesting things to put up a MySpace profile.
082. Boon to the bumpersticker and t-shirt industry.
083. Re-popularized the word "bush."
084. Thinks he is funny but rarely laughs at his own jokes.
085. Always joking.
086. He is a joke!
087. Gets the joke.
088. So much with so little.
089. Unafraid of controversy, public opinion, or common sense.
090. Done more for US "traveling at home" than all the US travel campaigns ever - combined!
091. Done more for keeping international travelers - many of whom are wonderful but non-tipping - at home, as well.
092. "Blogosphere"
093. Potatoes! Fried potatoes!
094. Knows what flipping someone the middle finger means to everyone.
095. Would be great in his own reality television series, starring vice-president Cheney, Colin Powell, Condy Rice, Tony Blair, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and former MTV-VJ/podcaster Adam Sandler.
096. His robust appetite is unaffected by his ability to speak.
097. Wears human clothing, and makes it look natural.
098. He is a good as he gets, and even Will Ferrell is unable to "do Bush" better than Bush. He's a natural!
099. Has made every minute of the early 21st Century really note-worthy.
100. Pharmaceuticals!
101. Gives contradictating a good name.
102. Every day he's in office is one step closer to the pendulum swinging in the other direction. Which is going to be really really good.


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